Lesbians until Rejected…

Yes i have created my own category of lesbians

Not to be racist or anything but the western communities have what’s called Lesbians Until Graduation(LUG), the ones who live their entire college years as lesbians and as soon as they graduate they are back to heterosexuality

  they are cool, they are sexy and perfect little dykes angelic if you may say,  because they will do anything and everything to fit into the lesbian world, and when they done they quitely leave get married abd move on with their lifes…

Unfortunately i have noticed a disturbing trend in our African communities, the devilish equals of LUG whom i call Lesbians until Rejected…They are just like LUG, perfect dyke friend and the perfect lesbian lover to their girlfriends, the problem becomes when they get dumped/rejected…they go on a rampage, they are suddenly straight and they suddenly have a MASSIVE!! conviction against homosexuality and they will tell you all the crap about how wrong and evil homosexuality is and how you are all going to hell.

This guys, is not cool, im not sure if you straight gay or bi, quite frankly most of us don’t care, just quit the pretence. You are heartbroken yes but for godsake grieve like everyone else and cry yourself to sleep every night, if however you somehow got a revelation that homosexuality is wrong, keep it to yourself or at the very least have a little shame….

That is all

from here to the moon and back

The Lesbian dating cycle…

#just an ordinary dyke life curiosity

Anyone who has watched even merely a few episodes of the L word will tell you that lesbians date within a circle of friends….but is that really true??

I don’t know if its safe to generalise here but lets consider this for a while, lesbians or rather open lesbians tend to source out one another, in a world driven by ideas of heterosexuality its only natural that once you have discovered your true self and have come to terms with it you would want to be associated with people in the same  position with you, for the sake of belonging feeling same and having someone with you to check out the hot chick across the road

The problem with this i guess is that the same cycle of ”friends” becomes your dating pool. Now i have seen this happen before in real life and online,  forums and facebook groups for example all set up for lesbians alike to talk and be there for one another and discuss issues surrounding them, eventually turn into a pick up area…”while we here guys im single” before you know it A is dating B, after they break up B dates C and B’s ex D dates A  then comes the chart

Granted i do agree the dating pool is a bit small, i still stand by neither confirming or denying this but im just curious how do they manage, i mean aside from the usual ”yes we exes but now we friends” excuse just how does one manage to find themselves sitting down with a group of friends who happen to not only include their ex but also their partner’s ex…also likely to be the same people …i have once been in a room with my ex and another one of her ex as well as current gf and i gotta admit there was an elephant in the room.

from here to the moon and back

Honesty

I have a habit of kepping my feelings bottled up, and keep piling it up till i reach breaking point and it has to all come out. Its like a ticking bomb..fascinating kind of.

I have reached that breaking point, and all that hurt i kept inside out its all coming out. My whole life has been one big fat lie and all people ever do is lie to me. Im at a point in my life where lying to me is the most hurtful thing you can do, I guess my life experience has led me to be tolerable, understanding and forgiving of all things except lying.

The why/how &when’s of Homosexuality

My life has been pretty boring…and busy with assessments, trying to comprehend that im about to pack up and leave to be with wifey…and a few problems in paradise-more on that later

Today i wanna address something that i have been meaning to write about but for some reason never got to it. It seems that when one comes out to the closet people tend to have questions, why did you turn gay, when did you turn gay. As ridiculous as those question are, so much that we areinclined to brush them off with outrage, we really can’t blame human curiosity.

For someone who grew up in a heterosexual world with ideas of man and woman being imputed in their brain, they really are justified to ask those question especially when you coming out later in your and of their own fault they had always assumed of your heterosexuality. I couldn’t possibly answer for everyone but i can answer for myself

Why i became gay? Most educated people in this day and life already know that being gay is not a choice and i truly believe the question is not meant in a literal way, rather what they would like to know what happened in your life that turned you gay. Non the less the answer is nothing and it was simply a natural process. I myself have suffered a lot in my childhood including abuse but in all honesty non of that had any impact on my sexuality. I do not hold any ill feelings towards man nor do i hate them.

When did you become gay? The proper question i guess should be when did you know you were gay, for the fear of sounding evasive and vague i havent really had a time i realised i was gay. I grew up with an attraction to females but never really put anything to it. i was until my late teen that i realised not that im gay but that i should not feel obliged to live a heterosexual life, I have somewhat fully explained this on here.

from here to the moon and back

way over my head (when only one is closeted in a relationship)

I just saw a draft post on my blog, instead of posting it i changed it a bit to talk about the root of it which is when you find your self dating a closeted person when you yourself aren’t so closeted

Bit of a background, im not entirely closeted nor am i entirely open about my sexuality, i have never confessed and opened up to someone about it nor have i ever lied about my sexuality, i dont give the impression im straight.

In regards to my family, well im about 90% sure my mother knows but chooses not to talk about it whether it being denial or her trying to give me time to talk about it. But then there’s that 10% chance she doesnt which will basically prove her ignorance. The same goes to my extended family, they are probably too ignorant to piece it together. As of now all my friends and basically anyone i interact with outside my family knows either because the asked or it came up in conversation.

My wife on the other hand is closeted and i mean so closeted locked up in there with no chance of coming out (no offence darling). Her family and friends have no clue about her sexuality and she has no intention of letting them know. There are however a few people who know, i wouldn’t call them friends mostly acquaintances that she interacts with outside her family life

What this means is that our relationship is closeted,  i have  to learn to be closeted and for this to not affect our relationship i have to be ok with it.  It took a while to learn to do it, in fact im not convinced i truly am ok with it, or im truly closeted now, in the last month alone i have admitted to 2 people that im married to a woman and both time i have thought to myself right after saying it that i shouldn’t have.

My wife thinks its ok to be open when i want to if of’course it doesn’t affect her, but that’s not true. For us to be absolutely closeted i have to get rid of my openness, that is the only way i can ensure there be no slip ups around her family, this means from now on i put our friendship before our relationship and we only speak of our marriage in private. This is especially so considering how much time we spend with each other’s families on how our families on their own are becoming closer and friendlier.

The original post was basically addressing how this has affected my inner advocate and it went a little like this

I have something on my mind, its driving me crazy, its doing my head-in. It seems like the homophobia in my country is steaming up, that infuriates me. I really wanna address this issue, i want to advocate for me and for everyone who experiences what i experience. Its sad to see your whole life being shamed degraded and condenmed on a daily basis.

Its amazing the things they say, its amazing how the most ignorant person seems to act like they know it all. Its a pity theres nothing i can do about it, As strongly as i feel about taking action, i can’t because it could expose our relationship which is the last thing wifey wants to deal with.

from here to the moon and back

Be the change

Change- to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of(something) different from what it is or from what it wouldbe if left alone:

It seems in our daily lives that people arent to fond of change either they fear it or they just not bothered. But do you ever wonder how your life could be like if you never ever change, you don;t change appearance your thinking or anything at all.

Theres also this misconception that when you get into a new relationship you shouldnt expect to change, well i beg to differ, you have two people two different mindsets two different background and they get together for life, clearly you are bound to change, its no longer i now its a we. That on its own changes something.’

It so happens that i love change, ok maybe not love but need. My life seems to have been nothing but one big roller coaster, one day all is well the next its not and change is what got me through it. Im not one to sit and dwell on trying to solve my current problems so i can ultimately continue with my life exactly the way its been, no i never wish for things to go back to the way they are, why? because if they were indeed working out fine the way they were then i wouldn’t be in that slump. What does that say about me, im basically on a never ending journey of discovery, i learn so many things about life, about my self and about the people around me. My wife will get to learn a lot about me as the years go by. Quite frankly i love my life better now that i have chosen to embrace change

As Jordan Brown  said ‘It’s not the instance of change that determines the quality of our lives though; it’s how we handle and react to the change that helps to create our life and satisfaction towards it. When we accept changes, both the good and the bad, we are living life with arms wide open.”

from here to the moon and back

5am confessions

Apparently the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Well i have a problem, im depressed and no i don’t mean im upset because something didn’t go as i wanted/planned.

Im hurt, im angry, i wanna cry, i want to lash out, im irritable even a simple hello irritates me let alone a conversation, i wanna sleep but i can’t, i wanna smile but i can’t.

My dear wife- bless her, has never seen me like this, she doesn’t know how to deal with it. She asks whats wrong i say nothing because i can’t give her the answer she needs. She has a vague idea about my depression but then again she strikes me as the type of person who doesn’t really believe in depression…

There i admitted it, what now?
I feel stuck…

Never a Bride

04/04/2012  A diary of my day

5:30- woken up by Dad’s alarm clock, furiously go back to sleep

6;10am- woken up by my alarm, read a text and continue to have a conversation with my heavily pregnant friend about what she should do if her baby turns out to be her ex’s

6:30am- find a message from wifey on facebook telling me she’s going to sleep, sadly reply with ‘why so early.

6:32am- finally drag myself to the bathroom, become more furious and send wifey a message something about her not considering my feelings and how im supposed to start my day. Then jump in the shower, get ready.

7:04- finally leave the house, think for a minute or two whether i should reply wifey’s missed call and message. Reply fem minutes later

8:38- finally arrive for the appointment, leave the car for inspection. Wonder whether i should go to city…decides on just local shops, cruise around for a good 30mins and decide there’s nothing there.

9:55- have breakfast at macdonalds, gets on the bus to dandenong plaza

10:30-  get to dandenong Plaza, walk around, help a lady get down stairs with a double pram(lift wasnt working). Go to Footlocker see two lovely sneakers and decide i want them. Proceed to walk out of the Plaza and accidentally end up in Novo, try on some beautiful heel boots, decide i wanna buy heel, try every nice shoe in all shoe shops, finally fed up and go to dick smith and look for a netbook for myself.

11:10- decide this all sucks and i wanna go home…JB HI FI good i will go look for netbook there, receive a call from my dear friend and chat with her from now on

11:26- walking towards JB HI FI, see good guy ask my dear friend what good guys sell and she says vacuum cleaners…no thats not correct. browse through notebook, pass through juicers and remember wifey wanted one…then remembered my mothers is in storage and moves on

12pm- walk into office works, sees a netbook for 299, get tempted to buy it but decide not to coz i didn’t really like it.

12:15pm- finally make it to JB HI FI, find the netbook i came for and bought it.

12:42pm wonder what to do next….. walk around looking for an african salon

12:50pm walk into a tattoo and body piercing shop, change my eyebrow bar to a rainbow one yay!!

1pm finally finds a salon, asks for prices, think for a sec how ridiculous they are and listen to the lady give a smart comment about how her jewellery are made of copper not gold. Walk back to plaza being really tired.

1:05pm see a bridal store, walk in browse through dresses, decide to try one on, ask lady for help and she tells me to pick which ever i want to try

1:15pm wear my first ever bridal gown. get totally blown away by how beautiful it was, try more dresses but still think the first was stunning though all the other dresses looked beautiful

2pm finally convinced not only the shop assistant but also myself that im actually having a wedding. Try the first dress this time complete with a veil, spent 10 mins on it, looking at myself getting all emotional

2:15pm- It hit me, im not getting married, infact im not ever gon have a wedding or atleast one that calls for such a stunning dress

2:20pm- take off the dress and shamelessly walk out. Get back to plaza sits with an iced tea and watch a wedding clip, have another sook about how im never gon be a beautiful bride in a stunning dress with all her friends and family gathered around to celebrate her marriage

3:02pm- walk back to bus stop, talk to wifey about buying shoes get on the bus and go to pick up the car

4:10pm- pick car up, buy maccas and head home

6:10pm- check post, decide i didn’t wanna go home so i stop for half an hour

6:45pm- make it home, get inside and cuddle with my baby girl

……and the rest is history

from here to the moon and back

Moving overseas checklist

Since the agreement for me to move back to wifey, i been very frightened changing dates like a crazy person. Last night i realized i was so consumed in my fear i did not listen to what my wife was saying and that was for me to come in June so here we go, less than 3 months, scared as hell but also very excited. Hope im not forgetting anything on the checklist.

2 months/ NOW

• De-clutter, throw away any thing i don’t use or wear.
• Resist buying any new things
• Find freight quotes- i will definitely need to send some things
• make arrangements with schools

1 months

• arrange for postal re-direction
• cancel overdraft on my bank account
• notify banks of the move
• open a separate high interest and no fee savings account for kids 
• look for airfares
• arrange for shipping 

2 weeks 

• sell all the furniture
• give away anything else not sold
• pack what needs to be packed
• confirm with international social security department

 

The M word…

I was just watching Australia’s first and biggest same-sex Television wedding, the whole show i was in tears, it was just so beautiful to see so many couples expressing their love for each other on national tv, after the show i was steaming and just had to get my anger out somewhere…

Marriage is such a big issue at the moment  for same-sex couples in most countries, and it seriously pisses me off how the so called ‘christians’ have claimed it as theirs totally missing the whole point and purpose of marriage, because believe me it is not so a man and woman can unite.

I woke up one day, god knows what i was thinking and feeling but i remember feeling deep down in my heart that wifey was the one for me, she was the woman of my dreams the one i would love to have in my life always. I knew i wanted to forever be with her, and thus i asked her to marry me. This was my way of making a life long commitment and promise to my wife to declare my love for her and to unite us so we can be one big happy family.

Non of all the other things didn’t  matter i just wanted to make that commitment to her and express my love, now to have someone tell me i can’t do that or tell me that i should have a civil union, its infuriating. I don’t think the world realises just how important marriage is to everyone. I truly do not understand this myth that the world holds that homosexuals have sex whereas only heterosexuals fall inlove.

Get it right people, marriage is about love, shared by two people who wants to make a committment to each other it is not a heterosexual priviledge…

P.s I love you beautiful and always will, Proud to be your wife.

from here to the moon and back